It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
