She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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