my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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