She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
