on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
