Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
