my phone needs a breathalizer
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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