we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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