it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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