Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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