All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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