dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
