Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
