mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize