had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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