i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
