i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
