I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
