dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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