you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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