i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
