I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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