I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
