Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
there is glitter all over my balls
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
