well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
