she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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