Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize