I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
