im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
