Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
