youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
