just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize