i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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