Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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