and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
