I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Randomize