well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
