You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
