Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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