call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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