I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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