How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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