all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize