Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
