it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
