And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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