I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
