Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
3 2 1 whiskey
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
