your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
