She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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