with your own penis?
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
