i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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