Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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