Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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