How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
