dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize