We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
