I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
