i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
