i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
