My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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