I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
