I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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