she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my shit smells like andre
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
